The Rude Angry Traffic Offender
One of our judges shared coffee in chambers every morning with one of the local police department’s transportation officers who brought prisoners to the courthouse each morning. They became good friends.
The day the officer retired, he and some judges, clerks, and bailiffs decided play a prank on the judge. The officer put on a wig, dress, scarf, nylons, high heels, and makeup. He pretended to be a female traffic defendant.
When the judge called “her” case, “she” “copped an attitude.” She was rude, loud, and obnoxious. She kept interrupting and talking over the judge. She started insulting the judge. She pushed and pushed and pushed. She knew which buttons to push to set off the judge.
The judge turned red with rage. The veins in his face were bulging. Finally, when the defendant yelled, “F— Y–,” the judge ordered his bailiff to make an arrest.
The “defendant” ripped off her wig and yelled, “Surprise! I just wanted to announce my retirement!”
The Return of the “Sowed Wild Oats”
One of my judicial colleagues grew up in the Midwest. He was a hell raiser. He “sowed a lot of wild oats” before he joined the Navy, and he continued to “sow wild oats” afterward. We’ll call him “William ‘Billy’ Smith.”
Some of his judicial friends decided to play an elaborate prank. They created a fake court file with a fake police report, fake rap sheet, fake booking log, etc. The crime charged was prostitution.
After Judge Smith finished for the day and the courtroom was clear, his court clerk received a fake call asking the judge to handle a late arraignment for an out-of-state defendant.
When Judge Smith called the case, a woman, about his age, answered. She was dressed very immodestly.
The following dialogue took place:
Judge: You are charged with prostitution. Let me advise you of your constitutional rights.
Defendant (Interrupting): William Smith. You look familiar. Are you from the Midwest?
Judge (Hesitating): Yes.
Defendant: Did you grow up in Kansas City?
Judge (Cautious): Yes.
Defendant: Did you go by the name “Billy?”
Judge (Suspicious): Yes.
Defendant: Billy Smith! Incredible! Don’t you remember me?
Judge (Hesitant): No.
Defendant: How could you forget? I’m Suzie, Suzie Jones! We were
involved. We had a relationship.
Judge (Worried): I’m sorry, but I honestly don’t remember you.
Defendant: I am broken-hearted! How could you forget? Don’t you
remember? I even had your name tattooed on my breast!
The judge gulped and quickly flipped through the court file looking for the booking sheet. Sure enough, under “Identifying information” was the entry, “tattoo: ‘Billy,’ left breast.”
By this time the Judge Smith was hyperventilating. The crowd in the back hallway, eavesdropping, herded into the courtroom and yelled, “Surprise! Got you!”