"Court Case Friday" There are/is a plethora of jokes about lawyers. Jokes about judges are a little harder to come by. Perhaps it is our reputation for being “sober as a judge.” Here are a few: What do you call a law school graduate who got "A's"? “Professor”What do you call a law student graduate … Continue reading Jokes About Judges
"Court Case Friday" (Taken from court reporter transcripts) ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: How many were boys?WITNESS: None.ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?WITNESS: By death.ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?WITNESS: … Continue reading Dumb Lawyer Questions
"Court Case Friday" (From court reporter transcripts) ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ATTORNEY: What was … Continue reading Unpredictable Courtroom Witnesses
"Court Case Friday" (From court reporter transcripts) ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. ATTORNEY: Doctor, was Mr. Eddington dead at the time you performed the autopsy?WITNESS: No, you dumb a—h--, he was sitting up wondering … Continue reading Dumb Lawyers versus Doctor Witnesses
"Court Case Friday" Experienced criminal trial lawyers learn to be very careful handling exhibits in front of a jury. A Deputy District Attorney assigned to my court had a jury trial involving “Assault with a Deadly Weapon.” The “deadly weapon” was a knife. The young, inexperienced Defense Attorney argued, throughout the trial, that the knife … Continue reading Defense Attorney cuts herself with a “non-dangerous dull” knife
“Dear Satan and Your Whore” One of my biggest challenges as a judge is to quickly differentiate between a person with an “attitude,” or a person who is eccentric, or a person who has mental health issues. This is not always easy. If the person “cops” an “attitude,” I am very fast and firm in putting … Continue reading An Eccentric Criminal’s Letter to Me: “Dear Satan and Your Whore”
When criminal defendants appear in my court by themselves, I ask, “Do you have an attorney?” Most defendants request a continuance, so they can hire a lawyer, or they ask me to appoint the public defender to represent them. Occasionally, I get a defendant who stands erect and proudly proclaims, “God is my lawyer!” or … Continue reading “Jesus is My Lawyer”
The Dumb Defendant Destroys his Defense (Too many alliterations?) One year, a man came to rob a gas station mini-mart. He walked up to the counter, put his hand in his pants pocket under his untucked shirt, and said to the cashier, “I have a gun, give me all your money.” The young cashier was … Continue reading More Entertaining Stupid Criminals
The London Edition 